More from the Coffee Stop

I heard two ladies talking at the coffee stop. One was maybe named Monica from what I could get. They were cha-cha possibly Armenians, but definitely rich biotches with high stilettos, huge Prada-type bags, hoop earrings, fake nails, etc. IT IS 7:30 a.m. after dropping Mini Audrey at the bus stop:

Girl 1: Can you dye your pubes?

Girl 2: WHAT?? Get out! You've been out with him like what two, three times?? Is he into that??

Girl 1: Nooo, no. I dunno - maybe, but listen!! This morning I was in the shower giving myself a little trim and I found a few gray hairs.

Girl 2: Interrupts - So big deal, a couple gray hairs - you don't dye it. Cut 'em or yank the little bastards out with the mirror and tweezers. If he's doing it right he ain't noticing a couple gray stragglers. giggle giggle

Girl 1: No, but you don't understand, Mon, there are too many to yank and besides, Ouch, K girl?!?. And these bastards weren't like grayish hairs like on my mom's head. They were white wiry hairs like Mr. Fucking Whiskers. K?

Girl 2: Well, ask Letty to do something when you get a wax. Can't she pluck 'em or wax 'em off?

Girl 1: No. These Mr. Whiskers are too many to tackle. That's embarrassing 'Letty can you pluck my Mr. Whiskers?' I don't think so. Dye is the only way. What do you think?

Girl 2: Well then, WELCOME TO 40, BITCH!

The Big Ranch 2009

Another fun week at the big ranch. As always, too short. It's never enough time.

Top Ten Vacation Spots

1. Fairfield (love cruisin' the 'hood in the van with the chitlins and waving to the peeps as we drive through town. LOVE IT!)

2. Choteau (ice creame shoppe, bookstore, and museum awaits - it never gets old)

3. Missoula (doesn't get dark until 10:00 - we have plenty of time)

4. Bynum (stopping by the museum - need some rock book ends and other accoutrements for my already cluttered table tops)

5. Helena (Tizer Gardens awaits)

6. Lolo (might as well try for a hike)

7. Great Falls (there is always something to see)

8. Augusta (seriously)

9. Glacier (just the thrill of running for my life through the Reservation makes it all worth it)

10. The Big Ranch (need I say more?)

Capone's Hell

The day of reckoning is rapidly approaching. It is time for Capone to go to court and face the judge. This will be a great day. Capone has a very good sense of humor so it will make things easier. I am beyond reminding her that she doesn't always remember things. It is not really necessary. If she asks me to remind her that she is repeating herself, I do, otherwise, I figure she would be mortified to know if she could really remember anyway. I digress. Capone is becoming more childlike. I anticipate that standing in the courtroom asking for the fine to be reduced, or jail time to be excused, will be sheer excitement in itself, however, keeping Capone occupied and quiet during this period will probably provide the most entertainment. At this point, I've decided not to spend hours on the telephone with possibly dozens of companies in town to get the proper paperwork in order, but rather to go into court empty handed and hope to beg off the issue or just deal with whatever consequence Capone is served. Jail time is most definitely not going to be offered. (Thank you my new favorite doctor.) The fine will be outrageous, but I could handle paying it off over multiple years rather than stressing over the need to get the proper paperwork in time for the court date. This is my rationale for paying a useless fine on Capone's behalf to the crappy city: Spend countless hours on the phone with idiots MAYBE getting what I need, followed up by going insane, stressing out, having physical symptoms of anxiety, and feelin' a tad bit edgy, not having time for Mini Audrey, or hiking, reading, working, or relaxing, and ending up in therapy... OR, OR, just pay the idiotic fine, let Capone off the hook because she has no idea what is really going on anyway, and go home not giving a crap.

If this was ten years ago, Capone might give a crap.

She is like a kid on more occasions than not. We are at Target shopping for some household items. She asks over and over and over again, "What are we here for? Candy?" We both push the cart like two old ladies would (except I'm not an old one.) I look away for two seconds and when I look back, SHE'S GONE. I look all around me. Gone. I feel like the mother of a two year old. Panic sets in and I'm not quite sure why. She is capable of being alone in a Target. But she's a rambler and since people don't know she has Dementia, they may think she is crazy. Would certainly not want that. Besides, she forgets and remembers the weirdest stuff and I never know which way it's all going. Anyway, I've lost her. "Mom?" Silence. "MOM?" Silence. I whirl around and catch a glimpse of her coat zipper flicker as she rounds a corner waaaaay down at the end of the aisle. Damn, she's a quick little bird. "Mom!?!" I make a beeline down the aisle, dodging the kindly old folk, aiming for the people I can already tell I'll hate, clipping brats' heels, all the while cautiously avoiding hip looking shoppers, until I finally reach her. "Look! I found the candy aisle! I looove candy!" We throw some miscellaneous bags in the cart and roll on. "What are we here for again? Candy? Because I love candy!" I breathe deeply. We keep rolling. As we go through the cashier, all items are bagged, and I am ready to pay, I see Peppermint Patties, Hershey's, and a Nutrageous bar on the conveyor belt. "Look! Candy!" "Mom, we already bought a few BAGS." "Oh, we did? When?" "Here, now." "Oh." I put the bars back in the rack. Walk to the cashier. More candy bars come through the belt... "Mom. We just....." "Heeey, look, do you want candy?" She is smiling at the rack of candy bars with a gleam in her eyes like she has never seen them before. "Sure, mom, pick some for me too."

My parents: Capone & Liberace

Aging parents. Is our generation prepared? No.

The story of Al Capone:

Her: Memory loss. Blind in one eye. Forgot to register the car so an unpaid ticket left to go to warrant for three years. Limpy/gimpy.

Me: Arrive to rescue and repair. U.S. Marshall here to arrest and serve. Eye surgeon cannot stop the blindness. Physician taking steps to diagnose and treat memory issues.

Her: Laughing. Anger and madness combined. Mood swings like the tide.

Me: Flat tire. Migraine w/o medicine.

Her: One-eyed voracious reader.

Me: Exhausted sleeper.


Tomorrow: The Story of Liberace.

It only gets better.